DRINKINGARTICLES
These articles are in chronological order.
They go back to the beginning of the previous year.
For any articles that go back to our first issue December 2004, please email info@cambodiapocketguide and request.
BOOZEBLOTTER
BARSATAGLANCE
KHMERGLOSSARY
TIPSFORDRINKINGINPHNOMPENH
February 2009
Frances Bacon
For fanatic followers of top spectator sports, being thousands
of miles from home is no reason to miss the big match live
This Sporting Life
The smell of hamburgers and the roar of the crowd may be missing, but the game’s the thing and big-screen action is a lot closer than you think
It’s that time of the sporting year again: the FA Cup knockout games, down-to-the-wire matches in the Premier League, the start of MotoGP and Formula 1 motorsport action from around the world, baseball, boxing and more.
There’s a lot to be said for behaving yourself and staying at home to watch your favourite sport, your girlfriend alongside you on the couch and a cup of tea and digestive biscuits an arm’s length away. Maybe not! It’s a man (and some women) thing to roar on your team, player, driver, a beer in one hand and food or something more interesting in the other.
Let’s face it, a bar with a big-screen television or several monitors is the only way to catch the match with your mates, swap sporting insults and re-create the crush and clubability, excitement and rivalry of the terraces.
Thankfully there’s no shortage of bars in Phnom Penh with televisions tuned-in to top sporting action. First up is The Gym, which could arguably be described as the city’s only true sports bar, largely because it has made a virtue of its number of TV monitors and on-demand video replay facilities.
This bastion of all things sporting is on St 178, just east of Norodom Bvd. Inside, the walls are hung with framed team shirts and a vital, up-to-the-minute listings guide is pinned up at the end of the bar to tell you the when and where of top sporting events.
Satellite capability via its two big screens, TV clusters around the bar and an outdoor screen on the terrace ensure a wider choice than you will get in many bars. Together with fairly priced drinks and good food, The Gym is the first of what will eventually be many bolt holes for sports fans in search of a match and a munch.
Big screens are an essential part of the secondhand sporting experience. If football is your thing, Shanghai on the corner of St 51 and St 172 has a big screen and drops the price of Tiger for all Premier League games. The food’s good, too, under the watchful and critical eye of Geoff, the manager and chef, who’s also an avid football fan. Also on St 51, Walkabout is open 24 hours a day, so you won’t miss a game regardless of its time zone. This is especially useful for watching mid-week Uefa Champions League matches, which continue way past the closing time of most bars. It also boasts a big-screen projector in the upstairs FC Walkabout bar, the latest incarnation of what was until recently named the Whale 'n' Hoe.
Sport is also a big draw for customers at the Pickled Parrot on St 104, which has a projector and 42in plasma screen, plus some ceiling-mounted televisions. The most popular sports are football and rugby, followed by all things Antipodean such as cricket and Australian Rules football, which are the passions of Grum, its owner.
Perhaps the most recent addition to the scene is the Georgie Best Lounge upstairs at Huxley’s on St 136 just a block from the riverfront. Featuring three screens and an assortment of comfortable sofas, it’s the ideal place to spend a lazy evening watching football. The other two big sporting screens in town are at Sharky on St 130, where you can enjoy the game or the race with great food and a plentiful supply of entertaining company; and Martini on St 95, which has the biggest screen in town in its courtyard, a hefty selection of inexpensive food, many beautiful girls and a disco where you can celebrate your team’s victory or console yourself following its defeat.
November 2008
Mark Eastty
Getting to know the local brew in all its glory or otherwise is as natural a desire to the avid beerologist as drinking too much
What’s Yours?
Over the years Cambodian bars and clubs have offered an ever-wider choice of beers whether bottled or brewed on the premises
For many tourists, visiting different countries is an opportunity to try loads of local brews. While it may not rank as high on many people’s itinerary as the country’s heritage sites, it is likely that most will have sampled the nation’s beer before they see the awe-inspiring buildings of the same name. Angkor beer is brewed by Cambrew, a brewery commissioned in the early 1960s by the Cambodian government.
It was built by a French contractor with technical assistance from France and up until the time of the Khmer Rouge atrocities it consistently brewed Angkor and Bayon beer. It resumed business in 1991 and expanded shortly afterwards by adding the Pepsi soft drink brand to its portfolio, bottling and distributing the soft drink range.
Now partly owned by Carlsberg, the world’s fifth-largest brewing group, it has expanded its production capacity to the equivalent of a whopping 250,000,000 cans a year. The Cambrew brewery not only produces the award-winning Angkor beer and the budget Bayon but also Klang, Angkor Extra Stout and Black Panther Stout.
Angkor beer is one of the more flavourful local brews available here with a rich taste of hops that is best enjoyed from a bottle. Its draught is also popular and available at many bars around the country. Klang beer shares the hoppy taste, but a stronger alcohol content of 6% sharpens the flavour on the palate.
The two stouts certainly pack a punch. They both weigh in at 8%abv and so are a sure way to get the party started and, just as quickly, finished. Finally, Bayon is the company’s economy beer and as such is more popular in the provinces than in big cities.
Cambodia Brewery is the nation’s only other large-scale brewery. Part owned by Asia Pacific Breweries, which in turn is also part owned by Heineken, the company was founded by the latter in 1931 in a joint venture with Fraser & Neave of Singapore. Initially known as Malayan Breweries, its first production beer was Tiger, in 1932. The now popular Anchor beer was added in 1941 but it wasn’t until 1990, after expansion in the Asia Pacific region, that APB broke into the Cambodian market. By the middle of that decade it logged a 60% share of the market, which led to the founding of the Cambodia Brewery on the outskirts of Phnom Penh.
That brewery now produces Tiger, Anchor, ABC Stout and Crown lager. Tiger is the premium beer, now sold using its new, super-cold taps in a variety of locations in Phnom Penh and Siem Reap, which is a crisp, golden lager-style beer. Anchor, as its branding suggests, is smoother on the palate and tends to have a lower gas content. ABC is not for the faint hearted. Weighing in at 8.5%, its strong dark appearance and flavour are matched by its high alcohol content. Crown, the economy beer is, like Bayon, not so visible in the capital but available throughout the country and is a refreshing, light beer especially soothing after a hard day’s motorcycle trekking in the provinces.
The two big producers are now complemented by two microbreweries, Man Han Lou (which produces four beers) and the Munich Beer Garden on Sothearos Bvd, which will be producing two varieties, light and dark, by the time you read this. So if you fancy sampling the local brews there is now plenty of choice which should satisfy pretty well all tastes.
Therefore, when the urge for a cold one takes you, why not try a few of the kingdom’s locally brewed beers, lagers and stouts.
May 2008
 Luke Young
Drinking gallons of beer maybe fun for a few hours but the morning after, your best bet is to reach for something healthy
A Natural Cure
With so many delicious fruits, from guava to passion, you can satisfy your mind and your taste buds with a homegrown treat on the hottest of days
As the heat rises, so does your desire for thirst-quenching libations. Luckily, Cambodia has a rich diversity of delicious tropical fruits ranging from sweet and juicy to sour and sticky.
All the local markets have “tuk-a-luk” stations, which serve blended ice fruit concoctions. If you don’t like egg put into your “tuk-a-luk”, then politely ask for it without or point at the eggs in the cabinet with a heavy frown and the universally negative “no”.
Most street market stalls open at night and a glass of fruit shake is 2,000-3,000 riel (50c-75c). Freshly squeezed sugar cane juice is also sold at many markets around the city. The carts have a distinctive look, as the wheel crank that draws the juice out of the stalk looks like a ship’s helm. A small bag or glass of juice shouldn’t cost more than 1,000 riel (25c).
There are also herbal shakes for sale at Boeung Kak lake, but they can have an odd, mint flavour and should be approached with care, as one can never be sure what “herbs” have been used.
Local coffee shops, which are never more than a stone’s throw away in the city, will serve any of their teas or coffees on ice if asked. One of my favourites is lemon ice tea, or tai jruwak, with a fine coating of white sugar at the bottom for you to mix in according to taste. To my mind, some of the greatest oddities in PP’s coffee shops include a pink syrup delight, a neon green concoction with sweet milk and other colourful drinks made from various syrups and flavourings, which often defy description.
I believe they are meant to be fruit-flavoured, but if you close your eyes and take a sip you will realise they are definitely an entity unto themselves. An abundance of coffee houses also offers a change from the local stuff. There are shops such as Jars of Clay, which was started as a workers’ co-operative, and chains like Tea and Coffee World, Café Sentiment or Black Canyon. Frappés, mocha blends, lattes and Americano are all available.
Space dosn’t allow me to mention all of Phnom Penh’s bars, cafés and delis, but a recent find for me is a gorgeous bar and grill in Toul Kork called Sorika. It has a lush garden with ponds and tall trees giving one the feeling of rest and relaxation. It serves a large variety of healthy fruit blends, gourmet coffee and tea as well as imported bottled water that can be bought by the carafe and enjoyed in the garden or inside its French-style, wood interior.
A more central place to read a book and enjoy something refreshing is Java Café near the Independence Monument. It has a selection of teas and coffees from southeast Asia as well as several, now famous “cleansing” health drinks. The Lemongrass Chiller is one such drink, which offers an assault of Asian flavouring. Java is also one of the few places serving ice cold and refreshing berry shakes. Fizz is another laid back, faux art deco café where an astonishing array of fresh fruit juices and shakes can be enjoyed in a calming atmosphere. It is located behind the royal palace facing a large pagoda complex framed by big, shady trees.
Without any shadow of a doubt, fresh locally grown fruit is the ingredient of choice for Cambodian refreshments and it would be surprising if a café or restaurant near you didn’t have some form of fruit drink on its menu. Seek and ye shall definitely find.
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Februrary 2008
Aaron Leverton
Beer Garden (Aus): the place behind the pub where you go pretend you're sophisticated while you drink beer (and possibly listen to a band).
Beer Garden Etiquette
Beer Garden (Cam): a place where you go to drink beer at local prices, have a barbie and probably listen to a band.
Beer gardens in Phnom Penh are good fun and they come in several different forms, from up-market to local dive, but they all share one characteristic: excellent, unforgettable names.
Though of course remembering which name belongs to which establishment is not always so easy, especially if you decide to take in two or three of them in a single night. On entry to a beer garden you may find yourself welcomed by several ladies who appear to be dressed for the Melbourne Cup, or possibly the Milan catwalk. They will find you a table that meets two requirements: first, and most important, that it’s empty and secondly that its seats match the number in your party.
Once you are seated a second group of girls will crowd around you. These are the beer girls, each of whom represents a different brand and is paid according to how much beer they sell. If, like me, you always drink the same brand, then you will be a great disappointment to all but one of these girls. And if, again like me, you are there to drink at local prices then stick to Anchor and Angkor, otherwise ask the price first to avoid any complications when it's time to pay the bill.
After you've placed your beer order, the third person you will see is the waiter who will take your food order should you wish to eat. Not all beer gardens are split into “serving zones”, but quite a few are, and while some beer gardens have menus, some do not. Some staff will speak almost no English (these are the best fun, but be patient!), while others are fully fluent. Staple dishes are fried rice, barbecued beef or pork, squid, prawns and mussels (I recommend the squid wholeheartedly, but once it’s cooked pull the “bone” out before you start eating).
On the subject of menus; it seems that no two beer gardens call the same dish by the same name. I have had French Fried Khmer Beef Steak and Potato Lok Lak at two different establishments and been served the same thing, a dish of fried beef served with chips and a salad. Beer gardens fall into two distinct categories. The first is a beer garden with karaoke, while the second is not, strictly speaking, a beer garden, but rather a Khmer barbecue restaurant. The barbecue is usually a little clay pot at the end of your table, and there's no karaoke at these places. Generally, but not always, the former will have fairy lights strung around the entrance and inside as well while the latter will not.
Beer gardens I have been to and can recommend include the Happy Night Garden (K) on the corner of Streets 63 and 214 and on the corner of Streets 51 and 282 is an excellent place with a Khmer-only name (non-K). At #51 Street 163, near the intersection with 310, is M’lop Daum Dong (The Shade of the Coconuts) (non-K). The end of Street 360 has a cluster (K and non-K), as does Street 310 between Monivong and 143. The Monivong end of Street 432 also has a major “strip”.
Across town is the Happy Night Restaurant on St 271 (the ring road) beyond the Chinese embassy, but if you can make it through the double parked Lexus out front the food is definitely worth it. Fried Rice with cracked pepper is $2 and you have the choice of dining under cover or under a canopy of stars. For a “genuine” experience, look for the poorly translated signs, or the Khmer-only signs, and keep an open mind.
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November 2007
Mustafa Shwarzberg
For under $10, you can drink like a Khmer Colonel in Kompong Seila.
Maybe Just A Snifter
Another ride and another 2pm departure from the big smoke, Phnom Penh.
First stop as usual was Kompong Speu where we loaded up with essentials: bread, water, beer, and of course, whiskey. At our regular vendor we were confronted with a handsome selection in their liquor case. Johnny Red, his big brother Johnny Black, even a stray bottle of their estranged but upscale cousin Johnny Green dominated the most prominent and accessible spots.
But tucked away in the upper corner were a few interesting if not dusty options. Something called Red Eagle and what I assumed to be its big brother, Wealth Eagle, and the always popular Black Cat graced the shelves. There was even an unpretentious little bottle of something simply called “Booze”. After some deliberation admiring the detail in the bottles we selected the Red Eagle for the God-fearing price of $4.
Country whiskey selections are usually consumed like dessert, after the main course beer is exhausted. Unless of course, one remembers to buy a bottle of the old staple, Khmer Mekong which is quite drinkable. Unlike its Thai cousin, Khmer Mekong has a decidedly sweeter top note than Thai Mekong and only measures up at 35%. Ironically, while Thai Mekong is plentiful everywhere in the Kingdom, finding a bottle of Khmer Mekong is next to impossible outside of Phnom Penh. My only guess as to why this is the case might centre on the well accepted local axiom: if it’s more expensive it has to be better. What self respecting farmer would supply his guests with a 3500 riel bottle of Mekong when he can lavish them with a $7 bottle of Wealth Eagle? Better still, have one of the Johnny’s “keep on walking” up to the estate for a visit.
For us, we usually leave the hard stuff until the beer anesthetizes the palate a bit. Sitting in the drizzle and flicker of our humble campfire, we were down to around half a dozen cans of the other local favourite, Crown, when someone suggested cracking the seal on our little purchase. That first little sip is like most experiments with local whiskey: insipid. If you can get past the flavour of nail polish remover and the caustic sensation of Drano as it burns down your throat, you will be rewarded with a nice little buzz. A few sips more and you may even forget that you bought it at what was essentially a hardware store.
Inevitably though, the dregs were soon all that remained of our vile little selection and after a last, mostly ceremonial pull each, the ornate bottle was cast aside like a worn out toothbrush. Despite the drizzly moonless night we slumbered peacefully, swinging gently in our hammocks, warmed from the fires within.
The Aftermath: Not as bad as one would think. The splitting headaches from that other, purely evil countryside beverage, distilled rice wine, were thankfully absent. Not surprisingly, after shelling out $4.00 for a bottle of Kompong Speu’s finest, our skulls were spared the after effects of that more pedestrian beverage that contains among other things: acetaldehyde, methanol, isobutyl carbinol, d-amylalcohol, and more than a few esters. The mere fog inside our heads complimented the real fog that settled in our pretty little valley that night. The rising sun and a pleasant little stroll down to the jungle waterfall burned both off nicely.
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August 2007
Mark Eastty
After a hard day's shopping or visiting the tourist attractions, what better than to relax with a couple of drinks in the watering hole of your choice?
A Special Brew
Well how about getting those drinks at promotion price or even winning a prize on the back of your drinking!
Not only will you get more for your dollar, or riel, but you may also find that these times offer the liveliest atmospheres and an interesting cross-section of folks to chat with over your cut-price drinks. Take for example the FCC where the happy hour offers many half price drinks and one dollar draught beers between 5 and 7pm. This is also a prime visiting time, giving you the opportunity to watch the sun set over the banks of the Tonle Sap river. Similar deals are also available at Café Metro with its very stylish ambiance, strong cocktails and $2.50 glasses of wine on Wednesdays, and at the Pontoon Lounge, where you can enjoy the view while floating on the river itself.
A little further up the riverfront is our 2006 Bar of the Year award winner, the Green Vespa. Every day brings a new "Vespa 10's" special on food and drinks, a popular example being Malt Mondays where you can enjoy four glasses of the finest single malt Scotch Whisky for just $10.
Moving away from the river you will find a whole host of drink specials at the Sharky Bar. For starters there’s a different special every night, examples including Mojitos for $1.50 on Monday, and spirits with mixer for $1 on Wednesday. Then there’s Al’s big monthly BBQ for a mere $7 including free flow Angkor draft. Another place where the special changes every day is Bogie & Bacall where the cocktail of the day is only $1.50. I tried a Long Island Ice Tea and it exceeded my expectations for a drink of that price. Alley Cat too has a special a day on either food or drinks. Monday is $1 margaritas and Wednesday buy 2 canned beers, get one free, Thursday is the same for glasses of wine.
Up on “the Strip”, as Street 51 is colloquially known, you can have a go at winning a prize with each drink you consume. Tuesday night at Shanghai Bar features the “Mug of the Week” competition where you get a ticket with each beer you drink. The winning ticket at the end of the night graces the lucky contender with fifty free beers, and most likely a whole host of new friends. Chilli’s Bar recently ran a raffle with every drink bought, with various prizes such as phones and TV’s, but if you want the big prize then you can try your luck at the Walkabout’s Joker draw every Friday. Three $1 tickets entitle you to a free drink - if you have the winning ticket, pick a card from the deck pinned in the cabinet on the wall and if it’s the Joker you win the pot. The fewer the cards left in the cabinet the higher the prize is likely to be, and the jackpot has on occasion reached over $6000! If that’s not enough then after the draw there are even chances to change losing tickets for drinks; so don’t rip them up or you could be doubly disappointed.
Heading back to the riverfront, at California 2 you can quaff cans of local beer for just 75c all day, every day, while directly behind in the newly reopened Sugar Shack, enjoy happy hour from 6-8pm with 75c beers, $1 tequila Fridays and $2 wine night on Saturdays. If that’s not enough then just ask about the happy hour in your favourite drink spot and you might be surprised by the deals you find right under your nose.
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May 2007
Mark Eastty
As with most things in the modern world the boundaries are beginning to blur.
Is It a Bar? A Pub? No It’s…
Many bars these days are beginning to offer food, but does this make them restaurants?
Well first off what is a traditional restaurant considered to be? A couple of things that spring to mind. Places are normally preset and you are generally assisted to the table by a waiter or concierge on arrival.
It would generally be considered quite unusual to sit at the bar in a restaurant to eat your meal. Yet in Phnom Penh this can be commonplace as many bars proclaim to also be restaurants. This was highlighted by a previous winner of our Restaurant of the Year competition, The Freebird. With its single shop-house interior centered around a beautiful long wooden bar you are more likely to be facing the huge selection of spirits rather than you’re dining partner when you eat. Customers, however, obviously find the food of merit, hence its success in the competition. Recent renovations have only added to the restaurant feel. This goes to show that even if a place is predominantly a bar the food can be a major attraction too. Sharky Bar for example has long been known for its Tex-Mex cuisine and employs a western chef to ensure food standards remain consistently high and the specials list, located on the back of the regular menu, is ever changing.
The same goes for Shanghai who regularly bring chefs from abroad to ensure their English pub grub is as close to home as possible. The Golden Vine certainly doesn’t come across as a restaurant, with its vivacious hostesses, but you may be surprised to learn the food there is highly respected too, especially their Sunday roast! Close by on street 104 Rose Bar has surprisingly fine French and Asian dishes on their menu and a fine selection of girls too. If you don’t require the kind of dining company these bars offer, Pickled Parrot could be for you; very much a pub in appearance it has some very good dishes - the sea bass on a bed of creamy mash is delightful.
All of these places mentioned so far could, however, be classified as bars; bars with very good food, but they still comfortably fulfill the bar criteria without really having restaurant elements. To further blur the lines we have to look to the riverfront. As you take a stroll along the Tonle Sap there are countless establishments with terraces outside that may not have the places set in advance, but they are certainly geared towards dining customers. Most of these establishments tend to have a small to medium bar inside and possibly more bar orientated furniture inside too. Jungle Bar is a perfect example of this with great food and tables for dining outside, but lounge chairs and bar stools inside.
Even the larger Bistro style places like the Riverside and La Croisette still fit this style with larger bars to complement their more extensive terrace seating. You’d think when you get to the Riverhouse with its separate upstairs bar and ground floor restaurant you could draw a line between the two. Think again. Even though downstairs is a pure bona fide restaurant with everything you’d expect, when you enter the upstairs bar you’ll find it also has its own separate food menu. Fusion seems to be the key here in Phnom Penh so planning a night out to the traditional restaurant for food, followed by a bar or club for drinks is no longer necessary. There are plenty of places that can fulfill all your drinking and dining needs.
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Februrary 2007
Makenna Held
Your guide to the decadent, the dirty and the delightful of Phnom Penh.
Cherry and A Little Umbrella Please
The word cocktail has varying roots but it may even come from “having an adulterated spirit”.
But adulterated or not, the cocktail has long been hailed as one of the finest ways to consume alcohol and spirits. Yet sometimes the concoctions that bars come up with end in less than favourable results. Despite the failures, it is possible to find some gems where the mixture seems to be induced by the heavens itself. In Phnom Penh, finding these perfect cocktails is less diffi cult than you would think. In fact, this city is full of fantastic choices. Let’s start with the classic cocktail: the martini. Grey Goose Vodka martinis may seem like a distant memory for most travellers and ex-pats, but that is far beyond the truth.
Vodka lovers, be joyous, for Café Metro on the riverfront has a long list of martinis, made with every possible high-quality vodka you can imagine. Looking for a spin on the classic? Then try their pomegranate martini, with a sweet Absolut Citron base that ends with the fruit's seeds in the bottom. This drink is famous in nightclubs in Boston and it sure seems to be making a splash here in Phnom Penh as well. While you are on the riverfront, nip over to Pontoon. This chic, chilled out cocktail lounge is best known for being the only floating bar in Phnom Penh. Their signature drink, the Law Suit, is sure to delight even the most discerning cocktail fan. Made from crushed kiwi fruit, tequila, Midori and a few other “secret” ingredients this decadent option is sweet, refreshing, and beautifully presented. Also on the menu here are some of the best mojitos in town.
Another off the wall cocktail is the Elegantly Wasted from Talking to a Stranger. This absinthe based margarita can induce enjoyable entertainment for your entire evening if more than two are consumed. It does have an anise aftertaste, but even if you aren’t an anise fan you will still enjoy this one, though that maybe just the hallucinations starting to kick in. Continuing our journey, don't forget Gasolina at the southern end of Street 57 near BKK market. Their eponymous Gasolina cocktail features orange juice, passion fruit juice and pastis, and the delightful garden setting is an ideal place to escape the city's hustle and bustle and unwind at the end of a long day. If you are looking for something really strong, the Alley Cat is your place. Their Adios MF is a mélange of four alcohols mixed with either Red Bull or Sprite. The bright green or blue colour may look toxic, but one taste and you will know that this is one fantastic drink.
Another classic cocktail is the mixture of orange juice, vodka and Galliano, popularly known as the Harvey Wallbanger. Amongst the best I have found thus far has been at Sugar Shack, and the girls who work there are a lot of fun and good company. One of the newest bars in town (at the time of printing) is Bogie and Bacall. This classy lounge has a long list of cocktails, including all of the old time favourites as well as some newer incarnations. But the best deal has to be their dollar fifty special, whereby every day two different cocktails are chosen for the specials list. And for that price, that makes this one of the cheapest cocktails in town. The only downfall is that you're at the whim of the bar owners in terms of the selection, but with that price tag I wouldn’t complain. And if what they have on special isn’t to your liking, you can be sure one of the other choices will be.
So hit the town, try a bit of everything and enjoy the cocktails of Phnom Penh. And don’t be shy to ask your bartender for suggestions… they tend to know what’s best after all.
For any articles from issues previous to these, please email info@cambodiapocketguide for a list and request copies. First issue was December 2004.
Adapted Turtle
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
Mother In Law
A husband and wife walked up to view the body of his mother-in-law at the funeral.
As he began to weep, his wife slapped him and said: “Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway!”
The husband replied, “I know, I thought I saw her move!!”
Smart Diagnosis Machine
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
When Santa Gets Annoyed
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn care
specialist. How 'bout I send you a damn book so you can learn to read and
write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
******
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum
kit, pony, and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays? What a fag name.
Santa
*******
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't
work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
*******
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get in to our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself 'Marky.' That's why you're getting your
ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent
apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like
all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams!
Santa
******
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the reindeer fart in my face.
You want to be a kiss ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal.
Santa
******
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please,
I really, really want a fire truck this year.
Love,
Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house.
You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
Rude Theater Guest
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied... "The balcony."
Living Statues
Two beautiful statues in a park, facing each other across the grass, one of a young girl and the other of a young man, looking towards each other like young lovers. These statues gave so much pleasure to people visiting the park that God looked down and decided to reward them with life for 30 minutes, on a Sunday when the park was closed to the public.
Immediately when they came alive, they ran together into the bushes and could be heard giggling and cooing with pleasure and the bushes were shaking. After 15 minutes they came out and realised that they still had 15 minutes more life to live.
"What shall we do now then" said the boy statue. "Let's do the same thing again" she replied. "Okay", said the boy statue, "but this time, you hold the pidgeons down while I shit on them".
Making The Forest Healthy
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and the rabbit again says, "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "That little Fucker! He makes me run around the forest like an idiot each time he's on ecstasy!"
Christmas Gift
A nice young man wanted to purchase a Christmas
gift for his new sweetheart. As they had not been dating very long,
after some careful consideration, he decided that a pair of elegant winter gloves would strike just the right note - romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to a
fine department store and chose a pair of lovely white fur-lined gloves. The sister did her own shopping, buying a pair of panties for herself.
While the clerk was wrapping the items, she got the boxes mixed up, and gave the gloves to the sister and gift-wrapped the panties for the young man.
The young man sealed the package without noticing and sent it to his sweetheart, who opened it on Christmas to find his enclosed note:
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she demonstrated the short ones she wears that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from
Showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked very sharp.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming
year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love.
(P.S... The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
Mad Cow- Restaurant order
A man goes into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," he says.
"But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter.
"Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."
Mad Cow- Private Chat
There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty
scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the
Johnson Farm."
The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
Mad Cow- Farmer's Explanation
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"
"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"
"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"
"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"
"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"
"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad,
too?"
A Cheap Train-Ride
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Farting Problems
A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent."
The doctor says,
"I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week".
The next week the lady returns.
"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".
"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Smart Hiding
There's an English man, Irish man and a Scotsman. They're being chased by a policeman. They see this old warehouse so they run in. Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the copper and see's these three bundles on the floor. Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out, "Woof Woof", and the copper thinking it's just an old dog leaves it and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, "Me-ow me-ow", he leaves this one as well thinking its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out.. "Potatoes Potatoes..!"
Soliders Urges
An officer is sent to a new base and he meets with one of the soldiers.
He says "everything is alright around here but what's up with the camel?". The soldier replies "well the soldiers are lonely and sometimes they get uh...urges". The Officer is disgusted but thinking it over he replies "I guess it makes sense, keep it".
A couple of weeks later the officer calls in the soldier and says "I'm getting restless, send in the camel". The soldier comes into his tent with the camel and leaves. After the Officer is done with his business and zips up, the soldier walks in and asks "what were you just doing?", and the officer replies "well isn't this how you 'ride' one of these?". The soldier says "Well, usually me and the guys ride the camel into town and get some chicks."
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