Ruby Murray was an English 1950s’ pop singer who for some obscure reason became Cockney rhyming slang for a curry . . .
. . . so if it’s a ‘Ruby’ you’re looking for in this city, you’re spoilt not only for choice but also for the wide range of
hot and spicy that is on offer
There are roughly three kinds of Indian restaurant in town: very cheap, inexpensive and decidedly designer plush. But which is the best? I decided to wager my bank balance against the delights of the Indian kitchen.
That I failed to reach a conclusion is a tribute to the skill employed by the restaurants’ chefs in taking a pinch of this, a turn of that and a bowl of regional inspiration to bring the taste of Delhi, Bombay, Calcutta and Myanmar to the table.
First on my agenda was Annam at 1C St 282, which is a stylish affair with the added attractions of a children’s playpen, air-conditioned dining room, a garden to sit in and a kitchen that stays open beyond 10pm. This is definitely a place to be seen at for Khmers and expats with children, where the prices shadow its takeaway and delivery menu. Our bill with drinks came to $32 for a gosht shahi korma, murgh tikka and kheema nan plus roti and drinks. It has also joined the business lunch set with what it calls its “Lunch Box” at from $4.
Shiva Shakti at 70 Sihanouk Bvd, where it boasts that you can “savour the epicurean decadence enjoyed by the sultans of yore”, is true to its advertising with an emphasis on piping hot food where curry is king and the naan breads are nut-filled or garlic-buttered according to taste. With its roots in Indian-Moghul cooking, the bill is in line with other designer-plush places where the decor matches the excellence of the food, which is worth the $30 or so we paid.
Finding the East India Curry Restaurant isn’t easy, but it’s worth the extra effort to track it down at 9 St 114. This is a mid-price curry house specialising in a full range of dosas from $1.50 (plain) and $2.20 (masala) to $2.50 for three pieces of Idly, but only on a Sunday. Mutton rogan josh from Kashmir is $6 as are mutton saagwallah and chicken jhal fraize, all of which will go down nicely with either a well-filled kheema naan ($3) or two pieces of puri ($2). Make sure, though, you leave room for kulfi, a sweet, aromatic home-made ice cream with pistachio, saffron and other ingredients that leaves you wanting more. At $2.20 it’s a tasty snip. B Pannirselvam, the owner, has been at this location for more than seven years and on this showing can look forward to seven more. Indian Kitchen at 162 St 63 is a small, intimate affair owned by Balraj Singh Turh that offers free-delivery takeaways and an inexpensive, comprehensive menu with chicken curry at $3.50, mutton masala at $5 and egg-fried rice at $3 in an area popular with expats and diplomats.
Win Myanmar at 23 St 110 is run by Kyau Zayan Win, 24, and his family from Bago, which is about 60 miles north of the cyclone-hit Irrawaddy delta. The family is continuously working on the menu so that it “reflects the subtle differences between Burmese and regional Indian cooking”. A filling two-course meal washed down with recently imported Myanmar beer (called Myanmar beer) or a tasty lassi costs as little as $8 a head.
It would be a culinary crime to miss out Sher-e-Punjab-I at 16 St 130 and Sher-e-Punjab-II at 72 Sothearos Bvd, which are run by Shiva Raj Parajuli and his family. The latter restaurant cleverly offers a menu of Khmer, western, Muglai and Chinese food alongside the excellent menu of filling Indian dishes delivered fresh from Punjab-I, which are steeped in delicate sauces. A meal for two will cost about $17.50 . . . and don’t forget to ask for the small marinated onions.
The green welly, sandals and socks brigade will be overjoyed to discover that Cambodia is ankle deep in eco-friendly produce
Mud, Glorious Mud
Organically cultivated fruit and vegetables is a taste sensation that once tried is never forgotten, and it’s here by the bucketload
In the West we see it everywhere, pay over the odds for it and call it organic. So what about Cambodia? Are there organic farms, do restaurants use their produce and can you buy it in the markets? The answer to all three questions is yes, yes and yes.
There are organic farms near Phnom Penh and several organisations that promote it. The Peri-Urban Agricultural centre and the Khmer Farmer Garden were established to promote safe farming in Cambodia. The latter grows a variety of organic fruit and vegetables and provides seeds to about 80 farmers. The farmers produce approximately 1,200kg of vegetables a month, 300kg of which is sold in Phnom Penh each week.
In Cambodia the market for organic goods cannot keep up with demand. A lot of fruit and vegetables are bought through distributors and grown in Vietnam, Thailand or Taiwan where pesticides and chemical fertilisers are used. “These products may look better, but as far as taste goes the organic products are superior,” said Tom O’Connor former manager/owner of Café Metro on the riverfront. “Some farms even raise free-range chicken and duck,” he added.
According to the Cambodia centre for the study and development of agriculture (CEDEC), Cambodia has the potential to become the region’s foremost organic rice-producing country in the next two decades. It teaches farmers how to irrigate their soil, use compost as fertiliser and make organic pesticides. When the organisation was founded in 2003 it was able to help farmers from 200 families produce more than 10 tons of organic rice a year. It has extended its activities to 4,000 families producing 1,430 tons.
Rice occupies 90% of the total cultivated land in Cambodia, yet it accounts for only 9% of the country’s gross domestic product, according to a report released this year by the economic institute of Cambodia. Compared to the agriculture industries of Vietnam and Thailand, Cambodia lags far behind, due in part to a lack of equipment, training and irrigation development and an underdeveloped market.
For those who are concerned about the organic credentials of the produce they buy: ask, because there isn’t as yet a labelling system. So it’s impossible to determine if the produce is locally grown and pesticide free or imported and been bombarded with pesticides and chemicals. According to Hay Ly On, president of the Cambodian Organic Agriculture Association: “Organic products appear to have great potential for export, but it will require proper certificating and labelling.”
Many restaurants and hotels in the capital should be able to tell you where they buy their fruit and veg. Travellers and residents should keep in mind that during the dry season many of these products may not be available, so you may have to settle for what is available. The upside is that after many years or implementing new farming techniques, yield has increased.
CEDEC and other non-governmental organisationss have encouraged growers to switch to multi-purpose farming and the financial gains are a huge incentive. This not only benefits local growers but also increases the availability of organic products in the local market and throughout the country.
Jews and Muslims living in southeast Asia have a tough task meeting the demands of their higher gastronomic authority
A Righteous Path
If you know the direction to Mecca, drinking may not be
a vital part of your life. But not everyone who comes to Phnom Penh is in search of a cold beer
For some, alcohol is anathema, for others pork, shellfish and a standard McBurger are an even graver insult than cartoons of the prophet so, if you subscribe to one of these beliefs, where can you go?
Halal dining is relatively easy to find in Phnom Penh, and even easier if you know what you’re looking for. There are a number of Pakistani establishments in town as well as a smattering of Malaysian outlets, although not all are specifically halal. Some Nepalese and Indian restaurants get in on the game as well. Bites (St 107), Lumbini (St 214), Indian Curry Pot (lakeside) and Mount Everest (Sihanouk Bvd) all advertise halal menus, as do numerous others.
A brief explanation for those who don’t savvy Islam. Halal translates pretty much as “permitted”, while its opposite is haraam, “forbidden”. It not only lists what you can eat, but also refers to the way in which animals are slaughtered – this must be done in the name of God, ie Allah. Halal is the reason Australia exports live sheep to Saudi Arabia instead of in pieces in refrigerated cargo containers.
While westerners know the term halal, what they usually connect it with is haraam, forbidden food such as pork (and other pig products), blood, animals slaughtered in the name of anyone but God, carrion and carnivorous animals with large fangs; although fish is allowed. And, of course, drugs and alcohol are definitely out.
With a well-established local Muslim population here in Cambodia (the Cham), halal markets are easily found if you know where to look. I’m told that a good place to start is Russey Keo, which is not too surprising, really, given the number of Cham who live in that part of the city.
The somewhat older “cousin” of halal is kosher. This is a little harder to find here, mainly because the children of Abraham are a little thinner on the ground in Phnom Penh than their brethren from Mecca and Medina. And like halal, the term kosher tells you what you can have, while what you can’t have is labelled treif.
In fact, kosher food is in many ways remarkably similar to halal, though debate rages as to whether one faith’s food is acceptable to the other. Kosher food includes only meat from particular species, so mammals that both chew the cud and have cloven hooves are kosher. Animals with one characteristic but not the other are specifically excluded, such as pigs. And while birds of prey are not kosher, chickens, ducks and so forth are. Fish must have fins and scales to be kosher, so shellfish are not. Meat and milk – and products made from them – cannot be mixed or stored together. Mammals and fowl must be killed in a specific fashion by a trained individual using a special method of slaughter, which can get messy and isn’t terribly pleasant to watch. And like halal, there are various restrictions on blood products.
Advice to yours truly is that “real Jews” (not my term) hew closely to the law by eating lots of fresh vegetables and fruit, and by keeping their meat needs simple. An excellent vegetarian restaurant is Nature and Sea, overlooking Wat Lanka on St 51. For other needs there are annual visits on the big festivals (Passover et al) by rabbis based in Thailand to ensure Abraham’s covenant with God is maintained.
So, if you aren’t looking for a burger, bangers and mash or a beer, Phnom Penh is happy to accommodate you and your religion’s tastes.
A running race of foods on carts, wheels or trays occurs every minute in this country
And they offer some of the most delicious local foods that anyone could find!
There is one treasure in every city of the world. New York has the hot dog stands, Philadelphia the cheese steak, London the fish and chips sellers and Moscow the dumplings and assorted fried foods that are sold on corners. I am of course talking about street food. Not literally food eaten from the very grips of the street, but of edible things sold by persons or places; moveable, quick, and the backbone of every working man’s daily bread!
Here in Cambodia, food, or substances thereof, are a constant part of the average Khmer day. Much like surrounding Asia, Cambodia is rich in edible things to be had at any moment virtually twenty four hours of the day. The chattering wooden percussion instrument heard at three and four in the moring will, at one point, roam through every street rhythmically announcing, “fried noodles!” for sale. On solitary streets where easily seen is the smoke of one man, customers come and enjoy a very early morning snack throughout the entire city. These fried noodles mixed with green vegetables are served piping hot in a dish that will be washed when given and washed when received back, and all for just 2000 riel (50c).
In the days of a pavement-less Phnom Penh, engulfed in roads of dust and mud, the water used to wash most dishes in the city was less than clean. It was always fresh out of the steaming Tonle Sap river and came in the lovely brown hue of poorly done tea! Luckily for the hungry at night the water is now purified due to some wonderful post-upheaval reconstruction of the pipelines.
And for those of you for whom midnight munching holds little appeal, there's an extraordinary variety of food and drink to be had during daylight. There are pastries, cakes, ice creams, corn, pâté sandwiches, deep fried meats, fried rice, lemonade, fresh soy milk and countless Asian desserts. By far the most commonly available roving food is in the shape of sweet orange slices of papaya, perfectly cut green mangoes (to be eaten with salt and chili of course), and pineapple so dripping in fructose that you would think it was soaked in honey. All of these earth grown goodies come from a simple push cart, sealed with glass compartments to keep the fruit out of the hands of pollution and flies. The seller will take your 500 riel with a big grin and off you are back to the day with a quarter of a pineapple skewered on a tiny wooden stake.
There is however one moving eatery which is most dangerous, due to the desirable looking foods pickled in jars and hanging from the peaked roof. The reason for the danger lies in small jelly-looking pink bits wrapped in banana leaf. These snacks are raw pork that has been beaten into a pulp, blended someone might say, and mixed with spices. This delicacy is then stuffed with one whole green chili and wrapped in banana leaf. For those seeking adventure it would be best to go with the ice-cream sandwich, seeing as how Cambodia has no dairy market and makes none of their own ice-creams! Thus begging the question of “is this ice-cream bread truly a dairy substance?”
Everywhere you look food is sold on the streets of Cambodia, the vast majority of which is delicious and clean, yet still not frequented by strangers or foreigners. The sheer variety of food available can be overwhelming, and 2000R should always purchase something and make them happy about your business!
In Phnom Penh it's not difficult to find quality food made with love that will have even a full stomach begging for more.
Sometimes when strolling down a paved road as cars whiz past you in an endless stream of smog and dust, you can’t help but think of the cobblestone walkways of Italy’s piazzas.
You dream of being magically whisked away to the dreamland that is Rome or Florence, to meander the hidden canals of Venice and stand amidst the fallen pil¬lars of an ancient Roman city. And though they say “all roads lead to Rome”, navigat¬ing to Italy’s capital is not so easily accom¬plished when standing in the middle of Phnom Penh. But even though you might not find Venetian glass or a massive gladi¬ator ring, if you fancy tantalising your taste buds with traditional Italian delights, you will be pleasantly surprised.
Already an acclaimed restaurant, Da Giorgio Pop Cafe, on Sisowath Quay near the Royal Palace, has a cosy, well-designed atmosphere. The servers are friendly, attentive and well-dressed, adding to the classy nature of this simple and delicious Italian eatery. You can find all the traditional favourites including home-made pasta in thick, creamy sauces and the relished thin-crust pizzas that Italy is so famous for creating. Their “meat-a-balls” appetiser flavoured with Pecorino cheese is a sure-fired crowd pleaser, unless of course you’re an herbivore. But don’t be dismayed, the menu comes equipped with vegetarian as well as meat-lover dishes all cooked to perfection. Their wine selection is excellent, boasting of DOC and DOCG bottles ranging from $15 to $100. Bread and water is served with every meal.
Another irresistible choice is Mediterraneo, also located on the riverside near the Paragon Hotel. Gippi, its Roman owner, is a perfectionist, as is evident by his tendency to pick through every string of pasta individually to guarantee that his customers get a perfect meal. The menu is small and changed daily according to the freshest ingredients available. But don’t judge a book by its length... it has a care¬fully-crafted selection of Italian and other Mediterranean cuisine. Elegant design and maintenance add a Roman touch to the Mekong riverfront and authentic dishes add some much needed Roman flavour to your hungry palate. Don’t forget to try the panacotta, one desert you're unlikely to find anywhere else in Phnom Penh.
La Volpaia can be found very near the main Post Office on street 13 and it has it all. Traditional oven-baked pizzas, calzones and pastas to satisfy any desire, and even cheese straight from Parma, or should I say “formaggio di Parma.” The outdoor patio is a pleasant place to enjoy their nice selec¬tion of Italian and French wines and begin the struggle to down one of the many well-portioned pizzas they have to offer. A couple other notable favourites are Luna d’autunno on Street 29 and Le Duo on Street 228. Both offer quality food made with love that will have even a full stomach begging for more. Luna’s wood-fired oven creates a mouth-watering pizza that when you eat, you can’t help but say,
“Bellissimo.” There are various other restaurants serving up pastas and pizzas at good prices; most are located on the riverside and usually have the word “happy” incorporated into their name. Don’t be thrown off by an Asian theme, the locals have learned a few tricks from their previous European roommate. Even the Vietnamese Pho restaurant located on Street 178 near the National Museum has an amazing bowl of Tortellini di Formaggio o Funghi that will bring any Italian to his knees. Which ever course you take, just remem¬ber one thing....an Italian takes his food very seriously so go in with a serious appetite.
When I was just a little boy, I asked my father “what will I eat?
The Burger Kings!
My father, having as limited a singing voice as myself, definitely didn't answer "Que sere, sera.
But, being without my mother on this particular occasion, he decided Mickey D’s was the answer to my question. Somewhat later, while I was still a little boy, I stayed with my aunt and uncle in Adelaide and discovered a whole new creation: Hungry Jack’s (for some legal reason they couldn’t take their stateside name: Burger King). And that pretty much took care of fast food burgers in Australia.
Then one day when I was no longer quite so little, and thankfully no longer dependent on Dad’s hip pocket to provide me with sustenance, I had a revelation. Hamburgers could be found outside McDonald’s. And they generally tasted WAY better if they were. Then when I was just a callow young man with no direction and less motivation, I asked myself: “what will I eat?” And as I was in Phnom Penh with a recently cashed paycheque, I had an extensive range of possibilities.
The first on Phnom Penh’s list of non-McBurgers is the Gym’s Beckham Burger. I don’t know what David’s cut is from Randall, but this burger (even if soccer-flavoured) gets my vote of confidence. It’s big, it comes in a fresh bun that could be sliced to provide wrapping for four Big Macs, the vegetables inside are fresh, there’s no sign of gherkin anywhere and the burger itself is just the right combination of juicy-but-not-leak-prone. Naturally, it comes with fries on the plate, and in true Ian Parmenter style, I recommend a cold glass of Anchor draught to accompany it. This is also a burger that goes particularly well with rugby or cricket on the big screen.
Second on the list is definitely Phnom Penh’s biggest burger. Ronald might sell you the quarter-pounder with cheese, which is a little less impressive
when converted to metric (which could account for the Royale moniker in Europe), but at the Freebird, Dunk will serve you quarter of a kilo of beef inside a couple of slabs of bakery product along with assorted green and red veggies and a nice pile of fries on the side. Those eight ounces of beef overhang the bread roll in a most impressive way and the whole is enough to feed my entire family (which sounds a little less impressive once you know how small they are!) This burger is such a serious meal that you should probably consider a couple of Angkor stubbies to wash it down with. Third on our list is the Alley Cat Burger. American chef Dallas isn’t satisfied making simple burgers (although he does them, too), so he threw the Pizza Burger into the mix. While the Alley Cat’s burgers don’t achieve the same fighting weight as the Freebird Burger, they do offer you the option to “Fatcat” your burger. This is a little like “supersizing”, but you don’t get the Diet Coke to help you maintain your slim, svelte self. To properly consume a Fatcat Burger, you really need to be blessed with Mick Jagger, Tina Turner or perhaps Steve Tyler’s oral orifice. This is one TALL burger and a tall glass of Beer Lao definitely wouldn’t go astray.
If by chance you find yourself in Kampong Cham I heartily recommend the Fish or Chicken Burger at the Mekong Crossing. These burgers are simple (though certainly not plain), come on the best burger roll I have ever eaten and after a couple of hours on a bike on Route 6 it really is the perfect way to relax with a big bottle of Angkor.
Remember the good old days when you where young and full of endless supplies of energy, playing in the sweltering heat of a hot summers day?
On the way home, nothing would beat that stop at the corner store (or milk bar for you fellow Aussies) to purchase your favourite ice-cream.
Drumsticks, paddle pops, sunny boys, choc ices, icy poles – the only problem was eating it before it ran down your hand, dripped all over your T-shirt, or left a sticky ice-cream goatie on your face.
Well, even in Phnom Penh, on those hot sticky days, you can relive your childhood moments and enjoy an ice-cream. Of course here they don’t generally sell icecream at your local store but you can find a range at the supermarkets around town. Pencil, Paragon, Lucky and Bayon all sell a selection of ice-creams and icy poles including some old favourites such as Magnum, Cornetto, Milo tubs and Nestle Extreme. You’ll also find cheaper Asian versions of these like Fancy Cone which is not a bad imitation of a Cornetto if you want to cut your snack costs. These markets also stock a range of ice-cream tubs in many flavours including some from familiar brands like Haagen Dazs, Walls, Cremo and Nestle. Not only can you find the usual range of flavours but choc chip, berry sauces, choco fudge and even ice-cream with fruit and nuts can be found at most supermarkets.
Or maybe it’s that soft serve McDonald’s ice-cream you’ve been craving. In which case, Lucky Burger is where you need to head for a choice of vanilla, chocolate or mixed, and now at Lucky Seven on Sothearos Boulevard you can also choose a flavoured scoop from the new ice-cream fridge.
Gelato fans can now rejoice as Bong Karem, a recently opened icecream parlour on Street 240, serves a delicous range of home-made Italian style Gelato in a cup, cone or tub. With no less than 34 flavours to choose from there’s no shortage of variety. A range of fruity options are on offer from jackfruit and cherry to apricot and kiwi. You’ll also find various nut flavours like pistachio and walnut, and even Coca Cola and vanilla bourbon. Fanny Ice-Cream, set within the garden area of Open Wine near the Royal Palace, not only serves great ice-cream but their range of toppings includes a sauce made from real Belgian chocolate! Sorbets, sundaes, coupes, crepes, sherbets and milkshakes - Fanny has them all, including some unique ice-cream creations. The sherbet Pinocchio, the sorbet cyclo, the dragon fruit cannon and the banana Phnom Penh are sure to make you a Fanny fan.
A number of restaurants around town serve great ice-cream desserts but as there are too many to list you’ll have to try these for yourself. However, worth mentioning are the new icecream freezers with a variety of flavours at both El Mundo restaurant and Gasolina. If you’re adventurous with your ice-cream you might like to try Ice-Cream Town, a local teen hang out on Street 126 just east of Central market. Complete with booths and heart-shaped deserts, this cute little place does have an English menu and some interesting Asian ice-cream flavour choices.
If you really want to revisit your school days you can always try the local version of the good old Mr Whippy van – the ice-cream hotdog dude! Oh sure he does sometimes stock cones as well but why would you eat strange flavoured ice-cream from a cone when you could eat it inside a hotdog bun? Look out for the little man with a silver cart surrounded by children, or follow the sound of his little bell. But no, there are no pleasant surprises in store; it does taste exactly how you’d expect ice-cream in a hotdog bun to taste – very very weird!
The first step into a Japanese restaurant can be intimidating for the uninitiated.
Japanese for Beginners
But Japanese food is so much more than just raw fish.
At the last count Phnom Penh had at least 16 Japanese restaurants. The prices tend to be similar and whilst it may not always be the cheapest food available here in Phnom Penh, it’s certainly among the healthiest. An average meal (ex-alcohol) will typically set you back around $10-15 per person.
Japanese restaurants tend to have both tables and chairs, seated booths where you sit cross legged or upright and low tables where you must sit cross legged. On the table you’ll find Soy sauce, Japanese pepper and normally chili oil. There will be regular top ups of green/jasmine tea throughout the meal. Do you chopstick? You won’t be looked down on for using knives and forks. Before the meal there will normally be a selection of small empty plates brought to the table and a small bowl of marinated beans/peanuts/pickled vegetables. On the empty plates add some soy sauce and mixed pepper and chili oil and then dip the beans/vegetables in it. If you feel very adventurous then try the other condiments. Whilst your more adventurous friends will be happily requesting plates of sashimi (slabs of raw fish) you may prefer something cooked from an animal you recognise and are comfortable eating.
Relax - for beginners try chicken, pork, mackerel or beef teriyaki (which means cooked in soy sauce). There is normally a very good selection of vegetables and the menus usually have pictures which makes ordering very easy. Japanese food is for sharing and will arrive on central plates from which you load up your own personal plate before adding the necessary condiments. Feeling Flush? Belly tuna from the Blue Fin Tuna is some of the most highly prized food you can order in a Japanese restaurant. Normally served raw, a small plate can easily tip the $50 mark.
And when calling for the bill a small plate of fruit is normally brought as a matter of course. So let's look at a few of the options available to us here in Phnom Penh. Ginga is on the busy Monivong Boulevard and is the first Japanese restaurant I visited here. The fried mackerel is excellent and their Ginga Bento box is a personal favourite as it comes with miso soup and a warm egg omelette with unknown but tasty things lurking inside. Aiko is located in Paragon shopping centre – it’s new and has a slightly "chain-store" feel but the service was accurate and very quick, the food was what it should be and the fried meat dumplings were pretty scrummy. For fast Japanese food with limited ceremony – it works. Zen is in the Phnom Penh Hotel and has a nice, almost clinical atmosphere about it. There's an open grill you can sit around and watch your meal being cooked, and they also have booths and private rooms. The standard of food is high and they have a very simple picture menu for lunch with their most basic hot and cold meals on it. It's a good quiet place for a business lunch.
For atmosphere Origami on Sothearos is hard to beat, the dark interior and very quiet surroundings make it the perfect place for a quiet lunch or evening meal. The presentation of the food and the standard of service are extremely high. The chicken teriyaki was beautiful – perfectly cooked. Just stepping through the door calms instantly.
Last but far from least is Suzume on Street 51, which boasts not only have a huge range of sushi and sashimi but also an impressive range of Japanese and western fusion food, all of which you can wash down with a wide selection of sake and other Japanese liquors. There's also a private upstairs room, available for groups of 20 or more. So whatever your other resolutions, make sure you try something new and healthy this year. There's bound to be a Japanese restaurant close by.
For any articles from issues previous to these, please email info@cambodiapocketguide for a list and request copies. First issue was December 2004.
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
Mother In Law
A husband and wife walked up to view the body of his mother-in-law at the funeral.
As he began to weep, his wife slapped him and said: “Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway!”
The husband replied, “I know, I thought I saw her move!!”
Smart Diagnosis Machine
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
When Santa Gets Annoyed
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yer.
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn care
specialist. How 'bout I send you a damn book so you can learn to read and
write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum
kit, pony, and a tuba.
Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays? What a fag name.
I really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE Timmy
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't
work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get in to our home?
First, stop calling yourself 'Marky.' That's why you're getting your
ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent
apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like
all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams!
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the reindeer fart in my face.
You want to be a kiss ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal.
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please,
I really, really want a fire truck this year.
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house.
You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Rude Theater Guest
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied... "The balcony."
Two beautiful statues in a park, facing each other across the grass, one of a young girl and the other of a young man, looking towards each other like young lovers. These statues gave so much pleasure to people visiting the park that God looked down and decided to reward them with life for 30 minutes, on a Sunday when the park was closed to the public.
Immediately when they came alive, they ran together into the bushes and could be heard giggling and cooing with pleasure and the bushes were shaking. After 15 minutes they came out and realised that they still had 15 minutes more life to live.
"What shall we do now then" said the boy statue. "Let's do the same thing again" she replied. "Okay", said the boy statue, "but this time, you hold the pidgeons down while I shit on them".
Making The Forest Healthy
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and the rabbit again says, "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "That little Fucker! He makes me run around the forest like an idiot each time he's on ecstasy!"
A nice young man wanted to purchase a Christmas
gift for his new sweetheart. As they had not been dating very long,
after some careful consideration, he decided that a pair of elegant winter gloves would strike just the right note - romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to a
fine department store and chose a pair of lovely white fur-lined gloves. The sister did her own shopping, buying a pair of panties for herself.
While the clerk was wrapping the items, she got the boxes mixed up, and gave the gloves to the sister and gift-wrapped the panties for the young man.
The young man sealed the package without noticing and sent it to his sweetheart, who opened it on Christmas to find his enclosed note:
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she demonstrated the short ones she wears that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from
Showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked very sharp.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming
year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love.
(P.S... The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
Mad Cow- Restaurant order
A man goes into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," he says.
"But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter.
"Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."
Mad Cow- Private Chat
There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty
scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the
The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
Mad Cow- Farmer's Explanation
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"
"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"
"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"
"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"
"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"
"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad,
A Cheap Train-Ride
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
There's an English man, Irish man and a Scotsman. They're being chased by a policeman. They see this old warehouse so they run in. Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the copper and see's these three bundles on the floor. Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out, "Woof Woof", and the copper thinking it's just an old dog leaves it and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, "Me-ow me-ow", he leaves this one as well thinking its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out.. "Potatoes Potatoes..!"